Montego Musings

Judas Asparagus

montego — Sun, 20 Jun 2010 16:03:02 +0000

A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible. This is amazing and brought tears of laughter to my eyes. I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand what we are teaching ???

Through the eyes of a child:

The Children’s Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says,’The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.

Anyway, God said, ‘Give me a light!’ and someone did.

Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked,but they weren’t embarrassed because mirrors hadn’t been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden…..Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn’t have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat..

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh’s people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don’t lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbors stuff.

Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses’ best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the Battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn’t sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.

There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don’t have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament.
Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, ‘Close the door! Were you born in a barn?’ It would be nice to say, ‘As a matter of fact, I was.’)

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats.
Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.

But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn’t stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminium. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

Original post blogged on b2evolution.

Abbott And Costello In The 21St Century

montego — Sun, 20 Jun 2010 15:57:46 +0000

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on…

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, “Who’s on First?” might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I’m setting up an office in my den and I’m thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name’s Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name’s Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don’t know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let’s just say I’m sitting at my computer and I wan t to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue “W".
COSTELLO: I’m going to click your blue “w” if you don’t start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOT T: Money.
COSTELLO: That’s right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What’s bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn’t it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on “START"………….

Original post blogged on b2evolution.

Taking Blog in a Different Direction

montego — Fri, 20 Mar 2009 13:23:18 +0000

I have decided to take this blog in a different direction. I already have my technical PHP script related web site called Montego Scripts, and so I really don’t need a separate site to blog on technical topics. I will probably move some of the older material to my Montego Scripts Wiki or just use the forums there.

Not sure I’ll have the time, but since this site was pretty dead anyways, what can it hurt!

Original post blogged on b2evolution.

The Mayonnaise Jar and 2 Cups of Coffee

montego — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 23:45:19 +0000

This was sent to me by a business acquaintance of mine who’s company he worked for just closed their doors, so he’s out of a job (his “pebble”). Although I prefer to look at this life from Divine viewpoint rather than human viewpoint, I do believe one could easily relate this to either viewpoint quite easily… (I just might throw in a tennis ball to start with, which I would call my spiritual life).

So, here is goes:

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 cups of coffee.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
Read more »
Original post blogged on b2evolution.

Avoiding the Admin SuperUser Trap

montego — Sun, 04 May 2008 01:45:02 +0000

All you *nukers out there may appreciate this gripe of mine. In RavenNuke™, PHP-Nuke, and the other *nuke variants, there is the concept of a normal user and an admin user. There is even a special type of admin user called a “God Admin", with special privileges, such as creating new admins and assigning privileges. So far, not a bad approach, although it is debatable why one even has to have two separate classes of users, but, I digress.

The administration control panel, or ACP for short, within *nuke consists of two sections, the first called “Administration Menu” and the second called “Modules Administration". As many of you know, in order for an admin to see the Administration Menu applets, as I like to call them, one must be given SuperUser privileges. However, it is also possible to set up admins to only have access to the administration applets for specific modules.

The problem with SuperUser access, is that means an admin can do everything except “Edit Admins” - if you have NukeSentinel™ installed - and if you are like me, you may not like that too much. In fact, out of the Administration Menu applets, I often wished that I could just give an admin access to post system messages, so the Messages applet, or possibly to just manage Submissions. Unfortunately, you have to give them SuperUser access, which gives them everything else…

Original post blogged on b2evolution.

Blog Module for RavenNuke / PHP-Nuke

montego — Sun, 04 May 2008 01:15:35 +0000

Tired of the old *nuke news module? Me too. I would love someday to port this blog software, b2evolution, to a *nuke module. I never intended for Montego Musings to end up being a place where one comes for code hacks or other types of code for *nuke, but since I fully intend on porting this some day and having it replace my news module at Montego Scripts, I guess I’ll deviate some from my original intent.

Heck, if nothing else, it will get me to post more and maybe get this thing moving again. Then I’ll use Montego Musings for more personal type stuff, or just shut’er down.

Original post blogged on b2evolution.

Been Extremely Busy

montego — Wed, 19 Sep 2007 13:47:54 +0000

Unfortunately I have not had time enough to make another post in quite some time. My desire is to post at least once per week. In my “spare time” (yeah, I know, what is that?), I have been reading a good book on search engine optimization (SEO). My plan is to post a whole series on the topic from the book as well as other related readings.

The book is titled Professional Search Engine Optimization with PHP by Jaimie Sirovich and Cristian Darie of SEO Egghead.com. I would also recommend folks subscribe to Aaron Wall’s RSS feed at SEO Book.com. There are a few more recommended readings as well, but I will save that for further posts.

Original post blogged on b2evolution.

Here We Go Again - Thanks Google - NOT!

montego — Sat, 25 Aug 2007 21:32:06 +0000

I have not had the greatest luck - or am I really talking about “customer service” - you decide - on the Google front. They have pretty much taken over, in my mind, the “Evil Empire” status. I guess you get so big, start swallowing up companies and sites left-and-right, and next thing you are too far removed from those whom made you great in the first place.

Here I was, late last night, configuring away my new Blogger blog and posting a new post, with the intent of using their FTP publish feature to host the actual content from blog.montegoscripts.com. I had just helped a family member do the same about a month back and everything for her was working great, and I think still does.

I had gotten it to work, was publishing over just fine, and then tried to tweak a few things and re-publish and it kept timing out.

Original post blogged on b2evolution.